After the death of Saul, David returned from striking down the Amalekites and stayed in Ziklag for two days.
On the third day a man arrived from Saul's camp with his clothes torn and dust on his head. When he came to David, he fell to the ground to pay him honor.
"Where have you come from?" David asked him.
He answered, "I have escaped from the Israelite camp."
"What happened?" David asked. "How did the matter go?"
"The men fled from the battle," he replied. "Many of them fell and died. And Saul and his son Jonathan are dead."
Then David said to the young man who brought him the report, "How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead?"
"I happened to be on Mount Gilboa," the young man said, "and there was Saul, leaning on his spear, with the chariots and their drivers in hot pursuit. When he turned around and saw me, he called out to me, and I said, 'What can I do?' He asked me, 'Who are you?' 'An Amalekite,' I answered. Then he said to me, 'Stand here by me and kill me! I'm in the throes of death, but I'm still alive.' So I stood beside him and killed him, because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord."
Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of Yahweh and for the nation of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.
David said to the young man who brought him the report, "Where are you from?" "I am the son of a foreigner, an Amalekite," he answered.
David asked him, "Why weren't you afraid to lift your hand to destroy Yahweh's anointed?"
Then David called one of his men and said, "Go, strike him down!" So he struck him down, and he died. For David had said to him, "Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, 'I killed Yahweh's anointed.' "
David then recited a lamentation concerning Saul and his son Jonathan, on how they were "stronger than lions" and "swifter than eagles", etc.. He called it the Lamentation of the Bow, and ordered that the people of Judah be taught it.
Some time after that, David inquired of Yahweh. "Shall I go up to one of the towns of Judah?" he asked. Yahweh said, "Go up."
David asked, "Where shall I go?" "To Hebron," Yahweh answered.
So David went up there with his two wives, Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel. David also took the men who were with him, each with his family, and they settled in Hebron and its towns.
Then the men of Judah came to Hebron, and there they anointed David as king over the tribe of Judah.
When David was told that it was the men from Jabesh Gilead who had buried Saul, he sent messengers to them to say to them, "Yahweh blesses you for showing this kindness to Saul your master by burying him. May Yahweh now show you kindness and faithfulness, and I too will show you the same favor because you have done this. Now then, be strong and brave, for Saul your master is dead, and the people of Judah have anointed me king over them."
Meanwhile, Abner, the son of Ner, and captain of Saul's army, had taken Ish-Bosheth, a son of Saul who was not present at the battle where Saul and three of his sons were killed, and brought him over to Mahanaim. He made him king over Gilead, Ashuri and Jezreel, and also over Ephraim, Benjamin and all Israel.
Ish-Bosheth, son of Saul, was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned for two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David.
The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.
Abner, son of Ner, together with the men of Ish-Bosheth, son of Saul, left Mahanaim and went to Gibeon.
Joab, son of Zeruiah, and David's men went out and met them at the pool of Gibeon. One group sat down on one side of the pool and one group on the other side.
Then Abner said to Joab, "Let some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us."
"All right, let them do it," Joab said.
So they stood up and were counted off; twelve men for Benjamin and Ish-Bosheth, son of Saul, and twelve for David. Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent's side, and they fell down together. And that place in Gibeon was called Helkath Hazzurim.
They did not have sufficient cognitive capacity to devise some non-lethal form of combat. These were the type of people who, if told they had to make up a firing squad, would form a circle.
The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David's men. The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel.
Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle. He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him. Abner looked behind him and asked, "Is that you, Asahel?" "It is," he answered.
Then Abner said to him, "Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons." But Asahel would not stop chasing him.
Again Abner warned Asahel, "Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How then could I look your brother Joab in the face?"
But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner struck him with the blunt end of his spear in the stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And it arose, that every man would stop when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.
But Joab and Abishai pursued Abner, and as the sun was setting, they came to the hill of Ammah, near Giah on the way to the wilderness of Gibeon. Then the men of Benjamin rallied behind Abner. They formed themselves into a group and took their stand on top of a hill. There was disarray amongst the diabolus sapiens.
Abner called out to Joab, "Must the sword devour forever? Don't you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?"
Joab answered, "As surely as Elohim lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning." So Joab blew the ram's horn, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.
All that night Abner and his men marched through the plain. They crossed the Jordan, continued through the morning hours and came to Mahanaim. Then Joab stopped pursuing Abner and assembled the whole army. Besides Asahel, nineteen of David's men were found missing. But David's men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner. Yahweh and his drones were fighting on the side of David.
They took Asahel and buried him in his father's tomb at Bethlehem. Then Joab and his men marched all night, and arrived at Hebron by daybreak.
The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker. Sons were born to David in Hebron: His firstborn was Amnon, the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel; his second, Kileab, the son of Abigail the widow of Nabal of Carmel; the third, Absalom, the son of Maakah, daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur; the fourth, Adonijah, the son of Haggith; the fifth, Shephatiah, the son of Abital; and the sixth, Ithream, the son of David's wife Eglah.
During the war between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner had been strengthening his own position in the house of Saul. Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah, daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, "Why did you sleep with my father's concubine?"
Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, "Am I a dog's head that belongs to Judah? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven't handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an iniquity involving this woman! May Elohim deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what Yahweh promised him on oath - to transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David's throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba."
Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him. Then Abner sent messengers on his behalf to say to David, "Whose land is it? Make your covenant with me, and I will help you bring all Israel over to you."
"Good," said David. "I will make a covenant with you. But I demand one thing of you: Do not come into my presence unless you bring Michal, daughter of Saul, when you come to see me."
Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth, son of Saul, demanding, "Give me my wife Michal, for whom I paid the bride-price of a hundred Philistine foreskins."
And Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel, son of Laish. Her husband, however, went with her, weeping behind her all the way to Bahurim. Then Abner said to him, "Go back home!" So he went back.
Abner conferred with the elders of Israel and said, "For some time you have wanted to make David your king. Now do it! For Yahweh promised David, 'By my servant David I will rescue my people Israel from the hand of the Philistines and from the hand of all their enemies.' "
Abner also spoke to the Benjamites in person. Then he went to Hebron to tell David everything that Israel and the whole tribe of Benjamin wanted to do.
When Abner, who had twenty men with him, came to David at Hebron, David prepared a feast for him and his men.
Then Abner said to David, "Let me go at once and assemble all Israel for my lord the king, so that they may make a covenant with you, and that you may rule over all that your heart desires." So David sent Abner away, and he went in peace.
Then David's men and Joab returned from a raid and brought with them a great deal of plunder. But Abner was no longer with David in Hebron, because David had sent him away, and he had gone in peace.
When Joab and all the soldiers with him arrived, he was told that Abner, son of Ner, had come to the king and that the king had sent him away and that he had gone in peace. So Joab went to the king and said, "What have you done? Look, Abner came to you. Why did you let him go? Now he is gone! You must know that Abner, son of Ner, came to deceive you and observe your movements, and find out everything you are doing."
Joab then left David and sent messengers after Abner, and they brought him back from the well of Sirah. But David did not know it. And when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed Abner in the stomach, and he died.
Later, when David heard about this, he said, "I and my kingdom are forever innocent before Yahweh, concerning the blood of Abner, son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab, and on his whole family! May Joab's family never be without someone who has a running sore, or leprosy, or who leans on a crutch, or who falls by the sword, or who lacks food."
Then David said to Joab and all the people with him, "Tear your clothes and put on sackcloth, and grieve for Abner." King David himself walked behind the coffin.
And they buried Abner in Hebron, and the king wept aloud at Abner's tomb. All the people wept also.
The king sang a short lament for Abner, asking if he should have died as the lawless die. And all the people wept over him again.
Then they all came and urged David to eat something while it was still day; but David took an oath, saying, "May Elohim deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!"
All the people took note and were pleased. Indeed, everything the king did pleased them.
So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner, son of Ner.
Then the king said to his men, "Do you not realize that a commander and a great man has fallen in Israel this day? And today, though I am the anointed king, I am weak, and these sons of Zeruiah are too strong for me. May Yahweh repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!"
In fact, Yahweh would repay according to how he believed a person might bring about the evil and chaos that Yahweh desired for humanity.
When Saul's son Ish-Bosheth heard that Abner had died in Hebron, he lost courage, and all Israel became troubled.
Now Ish-Bosheth had two men who were captains of raiding bands. One was named Baanah and the other Rekab; they were sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, which was considered part of the tribe of Benjamin, because the people of Beeroth fled to Gittaim and resided there as foreigners.
And Jonathan, son of Saul, had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.
Now Rekab and Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, set out for the house of Ish-Bosheth, and they arrived there in the heat of the day while he was taking his noonday rest. They went into the inner part of the house as if to get some wheat, and they stabbed him in the stomach. Then Rekab and his brother Baanah escaped. They had gone into the house as he lay on the bed in his bedroom. After they stabbed and killed him, they cut off his head. Taking it with them, they traveled all night by way of the plain.
They brought the head of Ish-Bosheth to David at Hebron and said to the king, "Here is the head of Ish-Bosheth, son of Saul, your enemy, who tried to kill you. This day Yahweh has avenged my lord the king against Saul and his offspring."
David answered Rekab and his brother Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, "As surely as Yahweh lives, who has delivered me out of every adversity, when someone told me, 'Saul is dead,' and thought he was bringing good news, I seized him in Ziklag and killed him, who thought I would have given him a reward for his news! How much more, when wicked men have killed an innocent man in his own house and on his own bed, should I not now exact the penalty for his blood from your hand, and rid the earth of you!"
So David gave an order to his men, and they executed them. They cut off their hands and feet and hung the bodies by the pool in Hebron. But they took the head of Ish-Bosheth and buried it in Abner's tomb at Hebron.
All the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron and said, "We are your own flesh and blood. In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And Yahweh said to you, 'You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.' "
When all the elders of Israel had come to King David at Hebron, the king made a covenant with them at Hebron before Yahweh, and they anointed David as king over Israel. David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned for forty years. In Hebron he reigned over Judah for seven years and six months, and in Jerusalem he reigned over all Israel and Judah for thirty-three years.
The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land. The Jebusites said to David, "You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off." Nevertheless, David captured the fortress of Zion; which is the City of David.
On that day David had said, "Anyone who conquers the Jebusites will have to use the water shaft to reach those 'lame and blind' who are David's enemies." For this reason, they would say, "The blind and lame will not enter the palace."
David then took up residence in the fortress and called it the City of David. He built up the area around it, from the terraces inward. And he became more and more powerful, because Yahweh Elohim Sabaioth was with him.
Now Hiram, king of Tyre, sent envoys to David, along with cedar logs and carpenters and stonemasons, and they built a palace for David. Then David knew that Yahweh had established him as king over Israel and had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel.
After he left Hebron, David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem, and more sons and daughters were born to him. These are the names of the children born to him there: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet.
When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went down to the stronghold.
Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim. And David inquired of Yahweh, "Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?" Yahweh answered him, "Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands."
So David went to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, "As waters break out, Yahweh has broken out against my enemies before me." So that place was called Baal Perazim.
The Philistines abandoned their idols there, and David and his men burned them.
Once more the Philistines came up and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim. And David inquired of Yahweh, and he answered, "Do not go straight up, but circle around behind them and attack them in front of the poplar trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean Yahweh has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army."
So David did as Yahweh commanded him, and he struck down the Philistines all the way from Gibeon to Gezer. Last time, Yahweh had wasted some energy by deploying his drones' directed energy beams a little too early, and so for this occasion he wanted to perfect the timing.
David again brought together all the able young men of Israel; thirty thousand. He and all his men went to Baalah in Judah to bring up from there the Ark of Elohim, upon which Yahweh would reputedly be enthroned between the cherubim. And at times he was indeed; namely, when he was flying it, or when it was in the inner sanctuary of a tabernacle and he wanted to smell the burning fat and blood sacrifices.
They set the Ark of Elohim on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart with the Ark of Elohim on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it. David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before Yahweh, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.
When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the Ark of Elohim, because the oxen stumbled. According to the legend, Yahweh's anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore Elohim struck him down, and he died there beside the Ark of Elohim.
See Exodus for full details of how the Ark worked, but what happened here is that the Ark went into its Assisted Carry mode as it was initially being moved and set upon the cart. Upon being placed on the cart, its scanner would detect the wood beneath it as a combustible material, and after a short time of using the cryocooler, the computer would regard continued use of the cryocooler and painter beam as too wasteful, and it would be disabled.
But the rocking motion experienced as the oxen were pulling the cart, and especially as they stumbled, would serve as the trigger to send it back into Assisted Carry with the cryocooler. In the worst case, with a separation assumed of r_Ground = 1mm for the negative charges of 8.66x10-7C for Q_Ground being sprayed by the painter beam, and a 0.1m separation, which is the equilibrium height of r_Ark, where Q_Ark is the negative charge of 8.66x10-3C within the vacuum sphere, then with k being the Coulomb constant of 8.988x109 N.m2.C-2, we have:
E_Ark = k x Q_Ark / r_Ark2, and
E_Ground = k x Q_Ground / r_Ground2
E_Ark = E_Ground = ~7.78 GV/m, so E_Ark + E_Ground = ~15.6 GV/m, which is certainly lethal to humans.
That would be if Uzzah was right at the underside of the cart, a very low separation for the lower charge Q_Ground, and 0.1m separation for the higher charge Q_Ark. And his hands strayed into this zone, while trying to steady the cart.
So he was shocked by a very high field, although initially his heart and brain were still outside the 45° cone-shaped danger zone beneath the Ark, where there was no active shielding. He fell underneath, and at a separation of, say, 0.5m, the higher charge Q_Ark's electrical field dominated. At this point, E_Ark was ~311 MV/m, and his heart was exposed to it, which killed him.
If the computer shut off the painter beam because of the detection of a combustible material, then the charge Q_Ark in the vacuum sphere (in the torso of the robot that had climbed into the Ark) would not be immediately dissipated. The computer would anticipate that further Assisted Carry over a non-combustible terrain might be required in the near future, and would choose to save energy by not having to build up charge for a second time.
Then David was angry because Yahweh's wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and that place became known as Perez Uzzah.
David was afraid of Yahweh that day and said, "How can the Ark of Yahweh ever come to me?"
He was not willing to take the Ark of Yahweh to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. The Ark of Yahweh remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and Yahweh blessed him and his entire household.
Now King David was told, "Yahweh has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the Ark of Elohim." So David went to bring up the Ark of Elohim from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing.
When those who were carrying the Ark of Yahweh had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before Yahweh with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the Ark of Yahweh with shouts and the sound of a ram's horn.
As the Ark of Yahweh was entering the City of David, Michal, daughter of Saul, watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before Yahweh, she despised him in her heart.
They brought the Ark of Yahweh and set it in its place, in the midst of the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and peace offerings before Yahweh. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of Yahweh Sabaioth. Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.
When David returned home to bless his household, Michal, daughter of Saul, came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the handmaids of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!"
David said to Michal, "It was before Yahweh, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over Yahweh's people Israel; I will celebrate before Yahweh. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But among these handmaids you spoke of, I will be held in honor."
And Michal, daughter of Saul, had no children to the day of her death.
After the king was settled in his palace and Yahweh had given him rest from all his enemies around him, he said to Nathan the prophet, "Here I am, living in a house of cedar, while the Ark of Elohim remains in a tent."
Nathan replied to the king, "Whatever you have in mind, go ahead and do it, for Yahweh is with you."
But that night the word of Yahweh came to Nathan, saying: "Go and tell my servant David, 'This is what Yahweh says: Will you build me a house to dwell in? For I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place in a Tent and a Tabernacle. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, "Why have you not built me a house of cedar?" ' "
"Now then, tell my servant David, 'This is what Yahweh Sabaioth says: I took you from the pasture, from tending the flock, and appointed you ruler over my people Israel. I have been with you wherever you have gone, and I have cut off all your enemies from before you. Now I will make your name great, like the names of the greatest men on earth. And I will provide a place for my people Israel and will plant them so that they can have a home of their own and no longer be disturbed. Wicked people will not oppress them anymore, as they did at the beginning and have done ever since the time I appointed leaders over my people Israel. I will also give you rest from all your enemies.'
" 'Yahweh declares to you that Yahweh himself will establish a dynasty for you: When your days are over and you rest with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, your own flesh and blood, and I will establish his kingdom. He is the one who will build a house for my Name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul, whom I removed from before you. Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever.' "
Nathan reported to David all the words of this entire revelation.
Then King David went in and sat before Yahweh, and he said: "Who am I, Adonai Yahweh, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, Adonai Yahweh, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant; and this decree, Adonai Yahweh, is for a mere human! What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, Adonai Yahweh. For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant. How great you are, Adonai Yahweh! There is no one like you, and there is no Elohim but you, as we have heard with our own ears. And who is like your people Israel; the one nation on earth that Elohim went out to redeem as a people for himself, and to make a name for himself, and to perform great and awesome wonders by driving out nations and their Elohims from before your people, whom you redeemed from Egypt?"
He continued: "You have established your people Israel as your very own forever, and you, Yahweh, have become their Elohim. And now, Yahweh Elohim, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, so that your name will be great forever. Then people will say, 'Yahweh Sabaioth is Elohim over Israel!' And the house of your servant David will be established in your sight. For you, Yahweh Sabaioth, Elohim of Israel, have revealed this to your servant, saying, 'I will build a house for you.' So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Adonai Yahweh, you are Elohim! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, Adonai Yahweh, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever."
Sadly, there would always be opportunistic people like David, who would sell their soul to a devil - or mentally deranged Type II being, if they thought they could benefit personally, such as access to riches, privileges and multiple wives, and establishing their family as a famous dynasty. The consequences for humanity would never even enter their thoughts.
In the course of time, David struck the Philistines and subdued them, and he took Metheg Ammah from the control of the Philistines. David also struck the Moabites. He made them lie down on the ground and measured them off with a length of cord. Every two lengths of them were put to death, and the third length was allowed to live. Then the Moabites became subject to David and brought him tribute.
Moreover, David defeated Hadadezer, king of Zobah and son of Rehob, when he went to restore his monument at the Euphrates River. David captured 1,000 of his chariots, 7,000 horsemen and 20,000 foot soldiers. He hamstrung all the chariot horses, except that he reserved a hundred of their chariots. When the Syrians of Damascus came to help Hadadezer, king of Zobah, David struck down approximately 20,000 of them in the Valley of Salt, which helped make him famous.
He put garrisons in Syria, in Damascus, and the Syrians became subject to him and brought tribute. Yahweh, with his drones and beam weapons, gave David victory wherever he went. David took the gold shields that belonged to the officers of Hadadezer and brought them to Jerusalem.
From Tebah and Berothai, towns that belonged to Hadadezer, King David took a very great quantity of bronze. When Tou, king of Hamath, heard that David had defeated the entire army of Hadadezer, he sent his son Joram to King David, to greet him and congratulate him on his victory in battle over Hadadezer, who had been at war with Tou. Joram brought with him articles of silver, of gold and of bronze. King David dedicated these articles to Yahweh, as he had done with the silver and gold from all the nations he had subdued: Edom (Syria) and Moab, the Ammonites and the Philistines, and Amalek. He also dedicated the plunder taken from Hadadezer, king of Zobah.
David reigned over all Israel, bringing his version of judgment and justice to all his people. Joab, son of Zeruiah, was in charge of the army; Jehoshaphat, son of Ahilud, was recorder; Zadok, son of Ahitub, and Ahimelek, son of Abiathar, were priests; Seraiah was scribe; Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, was over both the Kerethites and Pelethites; and David's sons were princes.
David asked, "Is there anyone still left from the house of Saul, to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan's sake?"
Now there was a servant of Saul's household named Ziba. They summoned him to appear before David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "At your service," he replied.
The king asked, "Is there no one still alive from the house of Saul to whom I can show Elohim's kindness?" Ziba answered the king, "There is still a son of Jonathan; he is lame in both feet."
"Where is he?" the king asked. Ziba answered, "He is at the house of Makir, son of Ammiel, in Lo Debar."
So King David had him brought from Lo Debar, from the house of Makir, son of Ammiel. When Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, he bowed down to pay him honor. David said, "Mephibosheth!" "At your service," he replied.
"Don't be afraid," David said to him, "for I will surely show you kindness on account of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table."
Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?"
Then the king summoned Ziba, Saul's steward, who had fifteen sons and twenty servants, and said to him, "I have given your master's grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family. You, and your sons and your servants, are to till the land for him and bring in the harvests, so that your master's grandson may be provided for. And Mephibosheth, grandson of your master, will always eat at my table."
Then Ziba said to the king, "Your servant will do whatever my lord the king commands his servant to do." So Mephibosheth ate at David's table like one of the king's sons.
Mephibosheth had a young son named Mika, and all the members of Ziba's household were servants of Mephibosheth. And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, for he always ate at the king's table, and he was lame in both feet.
In the course of time, the king of the Ammonites died, and his son Hanun succeeded him as king.
David thought, "I will show kindness to Hanun, son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me." So David sent a delegation to express his sympathy to Hanun concerning his father. When David's men came to the land of the Ammonites, the Ammonite commanders said to Hanun their lord, "Do you think David is honoring your father by sending envoys to you to express sympathy? Hasn't David sent them to you only to explore the city and spy it out and overthrow it?"
So Hanun seized David's envoys, shaved off half of each man's beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.
When David was told about this, he sent messengers to meet the men, for they were greatly humiliated. The king said, "Stay at Jericho till your beards have grown, and then come back."
When the Ammonites realized that they had become obnoxious to David, they hired 20,000 Aramean (Syrian) foot soldiers from Beth Rehob and Zobah, as well as the king of Maakah with 1,000 men, and also 12,000 men from Tob. On hearing this, David sent Joab out with the entire army of fighting men.
The Ammonites came out and drew up in battle formation at the entrance of their city gate, while the Arameans of Zobah and Rehob, and the men of Tob and Maakah, were by themselves in the open country.
Joab saw that there were battle lines in front of him and behind him, so he selected some of the best troops in Israel and deployed them against the Arameans. He put the rest of the men under the command of Abishai his brother and deployed them against the Ammonites.
Joab said, "If the Arameans are too strong for me, then you are to come to my rescue; but if the Ammonites are too strong for you, then I will come to rescue you. Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our Elohim. Yahweh will do what is good in his sight."
Then Joab and the troops with him advanced to fight the Arameans, and they fled before him. When the Ammonites realized that the Arameans were fleeing, they fled before Abishai and went inside the city. So Joab returned from fighting the Ammonites and came to Jerusalem.
After the Arameans saw that they had been routed by Israel, they regrouped. Hadadezer had Arameans brought from beyond the Euphrates River; they went to Helam, led by Shobak, the commander of Hadadezer's army.
When David was told of this, he gathered all Israel, crossed the Jordan and went to Helam. The Arameans formed their battle lines to meet David and fought against him. But they fled before Israel, and David killed 700 of their charioteers and 40,000 of their foot soldiers. He also struck down Shobak their army commander, and he died there.
When all the kings who were vassals of Hadadezer saw that they had been routed by Israel, they made peace with the Israelites and became subject to them. So the Arameans were afraid to help the Ammonites anymore.
In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.
One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful. David sent someone to find out about her, and the man said, "She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, and the wife of Uriah the Hittite."
Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her when she had been purified from her monthly uncleanness. Then she went back home.
The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, "I am pregnant."
So David sent word to Joab, saying, "Send me Uriah the Hittite." And Joab sent him to David.
When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. Then David said to Uriah, "Go down to your house and wash your feet." So Uriah left the palace, and a gift of food from the king was sent after him.
But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master's servants, and did not go down to his house.
David was told, "Uriah did not go home." So he asked Uriah, "Haven't you just come from a military campaign? Why didn't you go home?"
Uriah said to David, "The Ark, and Israel, and Judah are staying in tents, and my lord Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!"
Then David said to him, "Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back."
So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. At David's invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master's servants; he did not go home.
In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. In it he wrote, "Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die."
So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David's army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.
Joab sent David a full account of the battle. He instructed the messenger: "When you have finished giving the king this account of the battle, the king's anger may flare up, and he may ask you, 'Why did you get so close to the city to fight? Didn't you know they would shoot arrows from the wall? Who killed Abimelek, son of Jerub-Besheth ? Didn't a woman drop an upper section of a millstone on him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you go near the wall?' If he asks you this, then say to him, 'Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead, too.' "
The messenger set out, and when he arrived he told David everything Joab had sent him to say. The messenger said to David, "The men overpowered us and came out against us in the open, but we drove them back to the entrance of the city gate. Then the archers shot arrows at your servants from the wall, and some of the king's men died. Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead, too."
David told the messenger, "Say this to Joab: 'Don't let this upset you; the sword devours now this man, then that man. Press the attack against the city and destroy it.' Say this to encourage Joab."
When Uriah's wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased Yahweh, who was jealous over David's adultery, scheming, and premeditated murder for personal gain.
Yahweh sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, "There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought and nourished. It grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him."
David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, "As surely as Yahweh lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity."
Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man! This is what Yahweh, Elohim of Israel, says: 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master's house to you, and your master's wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of Yahweh, to commit evil in his eyes? You killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.' "
"This is what Yahweh says: 'Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.' "
Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against Yahweh."
Nathan replied, "Yahweh has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for Yahweh, the son born to you will die."
After Nathan had gone home, Yahweh struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill.
David pleaded with Elohim for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
On the seventh day the child died. David's attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, he would not listen to us when we spoke to him. So how can we now tell him the child is dead? Then he may do harm."
David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he perceived that the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead."
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the House of Yahweh and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His attendants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? Yahweh may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. Yahweh loved him, and because Yahweh loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah.
Meanwhile Joab fought against Rabbah of the Ammonites, and captured the royal citadel.
Joab then sent messengers to David, saying, "I have fought against Rabbah, and taken its water supply. Now muster the rest of the troops and besiege the city and capture it. Otherwise I will take the city, and it will be named after me."
So David mustered the entire army and went to Rabbah, and attacked and captured it. David took the crown from their king's head, and it was placed on his own head. It weighed a talent of gold, and it was set with precious stones. David took the plunder from the city in great abundance. And he brought out the people who were there, consigning them to labor with saws and with iron picks and axes, and he made them work at brickmaking. David did this to all the Ammonite towns. Then he and his entire army returned to Jerusalem.
In the course of time, Amnon, son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom, son of David. Incest and inbreeding was prevalent among this degenerate tribe, and, in addition to their sick, anti-human, anti-truth, anti-peace, anti-justice, evil religion, would play a part in making them the most despised, repulsive group of entities ever to walk the Earth.
Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab, son of Shimeah, David's brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd but unscrupulous man. He asked Amnon, "Why do you, the king's son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won't you tell me?" Amnon said to him, "I'm in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister."
"Go to bed and pretend to be ill," Jonadab said. "When your father comes to see you, say to him, 'I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.' "
So Amnon the wicked but none-too-bright monster lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand."
David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.
"Send everyone out of here," Amnon said. So everyone left him.
Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand." And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister."
"No, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you."
But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than her, he raped her.
Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, "Get up and be gone!"
"No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me."
But he refused to listen to her. He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her."
So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
Her brother Absalom said to her, "Has Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman.
When King David heard all this, he was furious. And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.
Two years later, when Absalom's sheepshearers were at Baal Hazor near the border of Ephraim, he invited all the king's sons to come there. Absalom went to the king and said, "Your servant has had sheepshearers come. Will the king and his attendants please join me?"
"No, my son," the king replied. "All of us should not go; we would only be a burden to you." Although Absalom urged him, he still refused to go but gave him his blessing.
Then Absalom said, "If not, please let my brother Amnon come with us." The king asked him, "Why should he go with you?"
But Absalom urged him, so he let Amnon and the rest of the king's sons go with him.
Absalom ordered his men, "Listen! When Amnon is in high spirits from drinking wine and I say to you, 'Strike Amnon down,' then kill him. Don't be afraid. Haven't I given you this order? Be strong and brave."
So Absalom's men did to Amnon what Absalom had ordered. This was vigilante justice, but certainly deserved. Then all the king's sons got up, mounted their mules and fled.
While they were on their way, the report came to David: "Absalom has struck down all the king's sons; not one of them is left." The king arose, tore his clothes and lay down on the ground; and all his attendants stood by with their clothes torn.
But Jonadab, son of Shimeah, David's brother, said, "My lord should not think that they killed all the princes; only Amnon is dead. This has been Absalom's express intention ever since the day Amnon raped his sister Tamar. My lord the king should not be concerned about the report that all the king's sons are dead. Only Amnon is dead."
Meanwhile, Absalom had fled. Now the man keeping watch looked up, and saw many people on the road west of him, coming down the side of the hill. The watchman went to the palace and told the news, "I see men in the direction of Horonaim, on the side of the hill."
Jonadab said to the king, "See, the king's sons have come; it has happened just as your servant said." As he finished speaking, the king's sons came in, wailing loudly. The king, too, and all his attendants wept very bitterly.
Absalom fled and went to Talmai, son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur. But King David mourned many days for his son. After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years. And King David longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death.
Joab, son of Zeruiah, knew that the king's heart longed for Absalom. So Joab sent someone to Tekoa and had a wise woman brought from there. He said to her, "Pretend you are in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don't use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead. Then go to the king and speak these words to him." And Joab put the words in her mouth.
When the woman from Tekoa went to the king, she fell with her face to the ground to pay him honor, and she said, "Help me, Your Majesty!"
The king asked her, "What is troubling you?" She said, "I am a widow; my husband is dead. I your handmaid had two sons. They got into a fight with each other in the field, and no one was there to separate them. One struck the other and killed him. Now the whole clan has risen up against your handmaid; they say, 'Hand over the one who struck his brother down, so that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed; then we will get rid of the heir as well.' They would put out the only burning coal I have left, leaving my husband neither name nor descendant on the face of the earth."
The king said to the woman, "Go home, and I will issue an order in your behalf."
But the woman from Tekoa said to him, "Let my lord the king pardon me and my family, and let the king and his throne be without guilt."
The king replied, "If anyone says anything to you, bring them to me, and they will not bother you again."
She said, "Then let the king invoke Yahweh your Elohim to prevent the avengers of blood from adding to the destruction, so that my son will not be destroyed."
"As surely as Yahweh lives," he said, "not one hair of your son's head will fall to the ground."
Then the woman said, "Please let your handmaid speak a word to my lord the king." "Speak," he replied.
The woman said, "Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of Elohim? For the king says this as one who is at fault, in that the king has not brought back his banished son? Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what Elohim desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him. And now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid. Your handmaid thought, 'I will speak to the king; perhaps he will grant his handmaid's request. Perhaps the king will agree to deliver his handmaid from the hand of the man who is trying to cut off both me and my son from Elohim's inheritance.' And now your servant says, 'May the word of my lord the king secure my inheritance, for my lord the king is like an angel of Elohim in discerning good and evil. May Yahweh your Elohim be with you.' "
Then the king said to the woman, "Please don't hide from me the answer to what I am going to ask you." "Let my lord the king speak," the woman said.
The king asked, "Isn't the hand of Joab with you in all this?"
The woman answered, "As surely as you live, my lord the king, no one can turn to the right or to the left from anything my lord the king says. Yes, it was your servant Joab who instructed me to do this and who put all these words into the mouth of your handmaid. Your servant Joab did this to change the present situation. My lord has wisdom like that of an angel of Elohim; he knows everything that happens in the land."
The king said to Joab, "Very well, I will grant it. Go, therefore, bring back the young man Absalom."
Joab fell with his face to the ground to pay him honor, and he blessed the king. Joab said, "Today your servant knows that he has found favor in your eyes, my lord the king, because the king has granted his servant's request."
Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem.
But the king said, "He must go to his own house; he must not see my face." So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king.
In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head; he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him, he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard. And three sons and a daughter had been born to Absalom, including his daughter Tamar, who became a beautiful woman.
Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king's face.
Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come.
Then he said to his servants, "Look, Joab's field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire." So Absalom's servants set the field on fire.
Then Joab did go to Absalom's house, and he said to him, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?"
Absalom said to Joab, "Look, I sent word to you and said, 'Come here so I can send you to the king to ask, "Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there!" ' Now then, I want to see the king's face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death."
So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom.
In the course of time, Absalom provided himself with a chariot and horses and with fifty men to run ahead of him. He would get up early and stand by the side of the road leading to the city gate. Whenever anyone came with a controversy to be placed before the king for a decision, Absalom would call out to him, "What city are you from?" He would answer, "Your servant is from one of the tribes of Israel."
Then Absalom would say to him, "Look, your claims are valid and proper, but there is no representative of the king to hear you." And Absalom would add, "If only I were appointed judge in the land! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice."
Also, whenever anyone approached him to bow down before him, Absalom would reach out his hand, take hold of him and kiss him.
Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the people of Israel.
At the end of four years, Absalom said to the king, "Let me go to Hebron and fulfill a vow I made to Yahweh. While your servant was living at Geshur in Aram (Syria), I made this vow: 'If Yahweh takes me back to Jerusalem, I will worship Yahweh in Hebron.' "
The king said to him, "Go in peace." So he went to Hebron.
Then Absalom sent secret messengers throughout the tribes of Israel to say, "As soon as you hear the sound of a ram's horn, then say, 'Absalom is king in Hebron.' "
Two hundred men from Jerusalem had been chosen to accompany Absalom. They had been invited as guests and went quite innocently, knowing nothing about the matter.
While Absalom was offering sacrifices, he also sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's counselor, to come from Giloh, his hometown. And so the conspiracy gained strength, and Absalom's following kept increasing in number.
A messenger came and told David, "The hearts of the people of Israel are with Absalom."
Then David said to all his officials who were with him in Jerusalem, "Come! We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom. We must leave immediately, or he will move quickly to overtake us and bring ruin on us, and strike the city with the edge of the sword."
The king's officials answered him, "Your servants are ready to do whatever our lord the king chooses."
The king set out, with his entire household following him; but he left ten concubines to take care of the palace. So the king set out, with all the people following him, and they halted at the edge of the city.
All his men marched past him, along with all the Kerethites and Pelethites; and all the six hundred Gittites who had accompanied him from Gath marched before the king.
The king said to Ittai the Gittite, "Why should you come along with us? Go back and stay with King Absalom. You are a foreigner, an exile from your homeland. You came only yesterday. And today shall I make you wander about with us, when I do not know where I am going? Go back, and take your people with you. May Yahweh show you kindness and faithfulness."
But Ittai replied to the king, "As surely as Yahweh lives, and as my lord the king lives, wherever my lord the king may be, whether it means life or death, there will your servant be."
David said to Ittai, "Go ahead, march on." So Ittai the Gittite marched on and crossed over the Kidron Valley with all his men and the families that were with him.
The whole countryside wept aloud as all the people passed by. The king also crossed the Kidron Valley, and all the people moved on toward the wilderness. Zadok was there, too, and all the Levites who were with him were carrying the Ark of the Covenant of Elohim. They set down the Ark of Elohim, and Abiathar offered sacrifices until all the people had finished leaving the city.
Then the king said to Zadok, "Carry the Ark of Elohim back into the city. If I find favor in Yahweh's eyes, he will bring me back and let me see it and his dwelling place again. But if he says, 'I am not pleased with you,' then I am ready; let him do to me whatever seems good to him."
The king also said to Zadok the priest, "Are you not a seer? Return to the city with my blessing, and your sons with you, your son Ahimaaz and also Abiathar's son Jonathan. You and Abiathar return with your two sons. I will wait at the fords in the wilderness until word comes from you to inform me."
So Zadok and Abiathar carried the Ark of Elohim back to Jerusalem and stayed there.
Then David continued up the Mount of Olives, weeping as he went; his head was covered and he was barefoot. All the people with him covered their heads too and were weeping as they went up.
And somebody told David, "Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom." So David prayed, "Yahweh, turn Ahithophel's counsel into foolishness."
This era was the only period in Earth's history when a prayer could ever possibly work (in addition to the laws of probability). It required that (i) a Type II (or above) being (or beings) was / were active on Earth, (ii) the being had set up a surveillance system such as 'locust' drones, enabling it to monitor the prayer, and (iii) the being was motivated to answer the prayer because it suited the being's agenda. And at this time, Yahweh was active on Earth, had his surveillance system in place, and sometimes found that a prayer would advance his insidious, demonic agenda of ruining Earth's civilization.
Sadly, once Yahweh's not-so-merry band of paranoid, hate-filled, genitally mutilated inbreds had found that at some point in their history they had sometimes had their prayers answered by worshipping their 'god' who, because of his mental derangement, was actually equivalent to a devil, it would not matter whether or not any advanced being was operating on Earth millennia hence. Even though the Yahweists were no longer getting their prayers answered, so that they could not defeat Iran, or Afghanistan, or win their propaganda war, for example, they would still continue with their warmongering, genocide, terrorism, subversion and destruction of nations, promotion of degeneracy and so on.
When David arrived at the summit, where people worshipped Elohim, Hushai the Archite was there to meet him, his robe torn and dust on his head.
David said to him, "If you go with me, you will be a burden to me. But if you return to the city and say to Absalom, 'Your Majesty, I will be your servant; I was your father's servant in the past, but now I will be your servant,' then you can help me by frustrating Ahithophel's advice. Won't the priests Zadok and Abiathar be there with you? Tell them anything you hear in the king's palace. Their two sons, Ahimaaz, son of Zadok, and Jonathan, son of Abiathar, are there with them. Send them to me with anything you hear."
So Hushai, David's confidant, arrived at Jerusalem as Absalom was entering the city.
When David had gone a short distance beyond the summit, there was Ziba, the steward of Mephibosheth, waiting to meet him. He had a string of donkeys saddled and loaded with two hundred loaves of bread, a hundred cakes of raisins, a hundred cakes of figs and a skin of wine.
The king asked Ziba, "Why have you brought these?" Ziba answered, "The donkeys are for the king's household to ride on, the bread and fruit are for the men to eat, and the wine is to refresh those who become exhausted in the wilderness."
The king then asked, "Where is your master's grandson?" Ziba said to him, "He is staying in Jerusalem, because he thinks, 'Today the Israelites will restore to me my grandfather's kingdom.' "
Then the king said to Ziba, "All that belonged to Mephibosheth is now yours." "I humbly bow," Ziba said. "May I find favor in your eyes, my lord the king."
As King David approached Bahurim, a man from the same clan as Saul's family came out from there. His name was Shimei, son of Gera, and he cursed continuously as he went. He pelted David and all the king's officials with stones, though all the troops and the special guard were on David's right and left.
Had he done this nearly 3,000 years later, he would have either been summarily killed by the Yahweists, perhaps by having his skull smashed in with a rifle butt, or he would have been dragged off to prison, beaten up, tortured, sodomized, starved, and maybe released to his family years later as a broken shell of a man. They loved to kill some of their enemies, certainly, but their main priority was to maximize their pain and suffering.
As he cursed, Shimei said, "Get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel! Yahweh has repaid you for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul, in whose place you have reigned. Yahweh has given the kingdom into the hands of your son Absalom. You have come to ruin because you are a murderer!"
Then Abishai, son of Zeruiah, said to the king, "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and cut off his head."
But the king said, "What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because Yahweh said to him, 'Curse David,' who can ask, 'Why do you do this?' "
David then said to Abishai and all his officials, "My son, my own flesh and blood, is trying to kill me. How much more, then, this Benjamite! Leave him alone; let him curse, for Yahweh has told him to. It may be that Yahweh will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today."
So David and his men continued along the road while Shimei was going along the hillside opposite him, cursing as he went and throwing stones at him and showering him with dirt. The king and all the people with him arrived at their destination exhausted, and they rested there.
Meanwhile, Absalom and all the men of Israel came to Jerusalem, and Ahithophel was with him.
Then Hushai the Arkite, David's confidant, went to Absalom and said to him, "Long live the king! Long live the king!"
Absalom said to Hushai, "So this is the kindness you show your friend? If he's your friend, why didn't you go with him?"
Hushai said to Absalom, "No, the one chosen by Yahweh, by these people, and by all the men of Israel; his I will be, and I will remain with him. Furthermore, whom should I serve? Should I not serve the son? Just as I served your father, so I will serve you."
Absalom said to Ahithophel, "Give us your advice. What should we do?"
Ahithophel answered, "Sleep with your father's concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself obnoxious to your father, and the hands of everyone with you will be more resolute."
So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he slept with his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of Elohim. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all of Ahithophel's advice.
Ahithophel said to Absalom, "I would choose twelve thousand men and set out tonight in pursuit of David. I would attack him while he is weary and weak. I would strike him with terror, and then all the people with him will flee. I would strike down only the king and bring all the people back to you. The death of the man you seek will mean the return of all; all the people will be unharmed."
This plan seemed good to Absalom and to all the elders of Israel. But Absalom said, "Summon also Hushai the Arkite, so we can hear what he has to say as well."
When Hushai came to him, Absalom said, "Ahithophel has given this advice. Should we do what he says? If not, give us your opinion."
Hushai replied to Absalom, "The advice Ahithophel has given is not good this time. You know your father and his men; they are fighters, and as fierce as a wild bear robbed of her cubs. Besides, your father is an experienced fighter; he will not spend the night with the troops. Even now, he is hidden in a cave or some other place. If he should attack your troops first, whoever hears about it will say, 'There has been a slaughter among the troops who follow Absalom.' Then even the bravest soldier, whose heart is like the heart of a lion, will melt with fear, for all Israel knows that your father is a fighter and that those with him are brave."
Hushei continued: "So I advise you: Let all Israel, from Dan to Beersheba; as numerous as the sand on the seashore, be gathered to you, with you yourself leading them into battle. Then we will attack him wherever he may be found, and we will fall on him as dew settles on the ground. Neither he nor any of his men will be left alive. If he withdraws into a city, then all Israel will bring ropes to that city, and we will drag it down to the valley until not so much as a pebble is left."
Absalom and all the men of Israel said, "The advice of Hushai the Arkite is better than that of Ahithophel." For Yahweh had determined to frustrate the good advice of Ahithophel in order to bring disaster on Absalom.
Hushai told Zadok and Abiathar, the priests, "Ahithophel has advised Absalom and the elders of Israel to do such and such, but I have advised them to do so and so. Now send a message at once and tell David, 'Do not spend the night at the fords in the wilderness; cross over without fail, or the king and all the people with him will be swallowed up.' "
Jonathan and Ahimaaz were staying at En Rogel. A handmaid was to go and inform them, and they were to go and tell King David, for they could not risk being seen entering the city. But a young man saw them and told Absalom. So the two of them left at once and went to the house of a man in Bahurim. He had a well in his courtyard, and they climbed down into it. His wife took a covering and spread it out over the opening of the well and scattered grain over it. No one knew anything about it.
When Absalom's men came to the woman at the house, they asked, "Where are Ahimaaz and Jonathan?" The woman answered them, "They crossed over the brook." The men searched but found no one, so they returned to Jerusalem.
After they had gone, the two climbed out of the well and went to inform King David. They said to him, "Set out and cross the river at once; Ahithophel has advised such and such against you."
So David and all the people with him set out and crossed the Jordan. By daybreak, no one was left who had not crossed the Jordan.
When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father's tomb.
David went to Mahanaim, and Absalom crossed the Jordan with all the men of Israel. Absalom had appointed Amasa over the army in place of Joab. Amasa was the son of Jether, an Ishmaelite who had married Abigail, the daughter of Nahash, and sister of Zeruiah, the mother of Joab. And the Israelites and Absalom camped in the land of Gilead.
When David came to Mahanaim, Shobi, son of Nahash from Rabbah of the Ammonites, and Makir, son of Ammiel from Lo Debar, and Barzillai the Gileadite from Rogelim brought bedding and bowls and articles of pottery. They also brought wheat and barley, flour and roasted grain, beans and lentils, honey and curds, sheep, and cheese from cows' milk, for David and his people to eat. For they said, "The people have become exhausted and hungry and thirsty in the wilderness."
David mustered the men who were with him, and appointed over them captains of thousands and captains of hundreds.
David sent out his troops, a third under the command of Joab, a third under Joab's brother Abishai, son of Zeruiah, and a third under Ittai the Gittite. The king told the troops, "I myself will surely march out with you."
But the men said, "You must not go out; if we are forced to flee, they won't care about us. Even if half of us die, they won't care; but you are worth ten thousand of us. It would be better now for you to give us support from the city."
The king answered, "I will do whatever seems best to you." So the king stood beside the gate while all his men marched out in units of hundreds and thousands.
The king commanded Joab, Abishai and Ittai, "Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake." And all the troops heard the king giving orders concerning Absalom to each of the commanders.
David's army marched out of the city to fight Israel, and the battle took place in the forest of Ephraim. There, Israel's troops were routed by David's men, and the casualties that day were great; 20,000 men. The battle spread out over the whole countryside, and the general opinion held that the forest swallowed up more men that day than the sword. It seemed strange to the fighters that there were so many more dead than had been killed by the sword. Of course, it wasn't the forest that killed them; it was Yahweh's drones with their directed energy beams.
Now Absalom happened to meet David's men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom's hair and head got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going.
When one of the men saw what had happened, he told Joab, "I just saw Absalom hanging in an oak tree."
Joab said to the man who had told him this, "What! You saw him? Why didn't you strike him to the ground right there? Then I would have had to give you ten shekels of silver and a warrior's belt."
But the man replied, "Even if a thousand shekels were weighed out into my hands, I would not lay a hand on the king's son. In our hearing the king commanded you and Abishai and Ittai, 'Protect the young man Absalom for my sake. ' And nothing is hidden from the king. If I had put my life in jeopardy, you would have kept your distance from me."
Joab said, "I cannot linger like this with you." So he took three spears in his hand and plunged them into Absalom's heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab's armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and finished him off. Then Joab sounded the ram's horn, and the troops stopped pursuing Israel, for Joab halted them.
They took Absalom, threw him into a big pit in the forest and piled up a large heap of rocks over him. Meanwhile, all the Israelites fled to their homes.
During his lifetime Absalom had taken a pillar and erected it in the King's Valley as a monument to himself, for he thought, "I have no son to carry on the memory of my name." He named the pillar after himself, and it was called Absalom's Monument.
Now Ahimaaz, son of Zadok, said, "Let me run and take the news to the king that Yahweh has vindicated him by delivering him from the hand of his enemies."
"You are not the one to take the news today," Joab told him. "You may take the news another time, but you must not do so today, because the king's son is dead."
Then Joab said to a Cushite, "Go, tell the king what you have seen." The Cushite bowed down before Joab and ran off.
Ahimaaz again said to Joab, "Come what may, please let me run behind the Cushite." But Joab replied, "My son, why do you want to go? You don't have any news that will bring you a reward."
He said, "Come what may, I want to run." So Joab said, "Run!" Then Ahimaaz ran by way of the plain and outran the Cushite.
While David was sitting between the inner and outer gates, the watchman went up to the roof of the gateway by the wall. As he looked out, he saw a man running alone. The watchman called out to the king and reported it. The king said, "If he is alone, he must have good news." And the runner came closer and closer. Then the watchman saw another runner, and he called down to the gatekeeper, "Look, another man running alone!" The king said, "He must be bringing good news, too."
The watchman said, "It seems to me that the first one runs like Ahimaaz, son of Zadok." "He's a good man," the king said. "He comes with good news."
Then Ahimaaz called out to the king, "All is well!" He bowed down before the king with his face to the ground and said, "Praise be to Yahweh your Elohim! He has delivered up those who lifted their hands against my lord the king."
The king asked, "Is the young man Absalom safe?" Ahimaaz answered, "I saw great confusion just as Joab was about to send the king's servant and me, your servant, but I don't know what it was."
The king said, "Stand aside and wait here." So he stepped aside and stood there.
Then the Cushite arrived and said, "My lord the king, hear the good news! Yahweh has vindicated you today by delivering you from the hand of all who rose up against you."
The king asked the Cushite, "Is the young man Absalom safe?" The Cushite replied, "The enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you are like that young man."
The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you; O Absalom, my son, my son!"
Joab was told, "The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom." And for the whole army the victory that day was turned into mourning, because on that day the troops heard it said, "The king is grieving for his son."
The men stole into the city that day as men steal in who are ashamed when they flee from battle. The king covered his face and cried aloud, "O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!"
Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, "Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life, and the lives of your sons and daughters, and the lives of your wives and concubines. You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the captains and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by Yahweh that if you don't go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now."
So the king got up and took his seat in the gateway. When the men were told, "The king is sitting in the gateway," they all came before him. Meanwhile, the Israelites had fled to their homes.
Throughout the tribes of Israel, all the people were arguing among themselves, saying, "The king delivered us from the hand of our enemies, and he rescued us from the hand of the Philistines. But now he has fled the country to escape from Absalom; and Absalom, whom we anointed to rule over us, has died in battle. So why do you say nothing about bringing the king back?"
King David sent this message to Zadok and Abiathar, the priests: "Ask the elders of Judah, 'Why should you be the last to bring the king back to his palace, since what is being said throughout Israel has reached the king at his quarters? You are my relatives, my own flesh and blood. So why should you be the last to bring back the king?' And say to Amasa, 'Are you not my own flesh and blood? May Elohim deal with me, be it ever so severely, if you are not the commander of my army for life in place of Joab.' "
He won over the hearts of the men of Judah so that they were all of one mind. They sent word to the king, "Return, you and all your men."
Then the king returned and went as far as the Jordan. Now the men of Judah had come to Gilgal to go out and meet the king and escort him across the Jordan. Shimei, son of Gera, the Benjamite from Bahurim, hurried down with the men of Judah to meet King David. With him were a thousand Benjamites, along with Ziba, the steward of Saul's household, and his fifteen sons and twenty servants. They rushed to the Jordan, where the king was. A ferryboat went over to carry the king's household over, and to do whatever he wished.
When Shimei, son of Gera, crossed the Jordan, he fell prostrate before the king and said to him, "May my lord not hold me guilty. Do not remember how your servant did wrong on the day my lord the king left Jerusalem. May the king put it out of his mind. For I your servant know that I have sinned, but today I have come here as the first from the tribes of Joseph to come down and meet my lord the king."
Then Abishai, son of Zeruiah, said, "Shouldn't Shimei be put to death for this? He cursed Yahweh's anointed."
David replied, "What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? What right do you have to interfere? Should anyone be put to death in Israel today? Don't I know that today I am king over Israel?"
So the king said to Shimei, "You shall not die." And the king promised him on oath.
Mephibosheth, Saul's grandson, also went down to meet the king. He had not taken care of his feet or trimmed his beard or washed his clothes, from the day the king left until the day he returned safely.
In another 2,914 years, it would come to pass that these people's aversion to personal hygiene would be responsible for a typhus outbreak in a work camp in a country called Poland, which would cause more casualties among non-Yahweh followers than among these people. And yet, in a grotesque, malicious, deliberate perversion of reality, these storytelling people would twist measures taken to save them by killing typhus lice, into a massive 'conspiracy' to 'exterminate' them.
When he came from Jerusalem to meet the king, the king asked him, "Why didn't you go with me, Mephibosheth?"
He said, "My lord the king, since I your servant am lame, I said, 'I will have my donkey saddled and will ride on it, so I can go with the king.' But Ziba my servant betrayed me. And he has slandered your servant to my lord the king. My lord the king is like an angel of Elohim; so do whatever you wish. All my grandfather's descendants deserved nothing but death from my lord the king, but you gave your servant a place among those who eat at your table. So what right do I have to make any more appeals to the king?"
The king said to him, "Why say more? I order you and Ziba to divide the land."
Mephibosheth said to the king, "Let him take everything, now that my lord the king has returned home safely."
Barzillai the Gileadite also came down from Rogelim to cross the Jordan with the king, and to send him on his way from there. Now Barzillai was very old, eighty years of age. He had provided for the king during his stay in Mahanaim, for he was a very wealthy man.
The king said to Barzillai, "Cross over with me and stay with me in Jerusalem, and I will provide for you."
But Barzillai answered the king, "How many more years will I live, that I should go up to Jerusalem with the king? I am now eighty years old. Can I tell the difference between what is enjoyable and what is not? Can your servant taste what he eats and drinks? Can I still hear the voices of male and female singers? Why should your servant be an added burden to my lord the king? Your servant will cross over the Jordan with the king for a short distance, but why should the king reward me in this way? Let your servant return, that I may die in my own town near the tomb of my father and mother. But here is your servant Kimham. Let him cross over with my lord the king. Do for him whatever you wish."
The king said, "Kimham shall cross over with me, and I will do for him whatever you wish. And anything you desire from me I will do for you."
So all the people crossed the Jordan, and then the king crossed over. The king kissed Barzillai and bid him farewell, and Barzillai returned to his home.
When the king crossed over to Gilgal, Kimham crossed with him. All the troops of Judah and half the troops of Israel had taken the king over. Soon all the men of Israel were coming to the king and saying to him, "Why did our brothers, the men of Judah, steal the king away and bring him and his household across the Jordan, together with all his men?"
All the men of Judah answered the men of Israel, "We did this because the king is closely related to us. Why are you angry about it? Have we eaten any of the king's provisions? Have we taken anything for ourselves?"
Then the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, "We have ten shares in the king; so we have a greater claim on David than you have. Why then do you treat us with contempt? Weren't we the first to speak of bringing back our king?" But the men of Judah pressed their claims even more forcefully than the men of Israel.
Now a troublemaker named Sheba, son of Bikri, a Benjamite, happened to be there. He blew a ram's horn and shouted, "We have no share in David, no inheritance in Jesse's son! Every man to his tent, Israel!" So all the men of Israel deserted David to follow Sheba, son of Bikri. But the men of Judah stayed by their king all the way from the Jordan to Jerusalem.
How surprising that a group of religious supremacists, psychopaths and weirdoes, who resort to cutting off their foreskins to appease a devil, cannot even get along amongst themselves, let alone with the rest of humanity? Of course, Yahweh was actually a mentally ill Type II civilization being from Hell, the planet formerly known as Heaven, but if he is to be defined as a supernatural being it should be a devil rather than a 'god'.
When David returned to his palace in Jerusalem, he took the ten concubines he had left to take care of the palace and put them in a house under guard. He provided for them but had no sexual relations with them. They were kept in confinement till the day of their death, living as widows.
Then the king said to Amasa, "Summon the men of Judah to come to me within three days, and be here yourself." But when Amasa went to summon Judah, he took longer than the time the king had set for him.
David said to Abishai, "Now Sheba, son of Bikri, will do us more harm than Absalom did. Take your master's men and pursue him, or he will find fortified cities and escape from us."
So Joab's men and the Kerethites and Pelethites and all the mighty warriors went out under the command of Abishai. They marched out from Jerusalem to pursue Sheba, son of Bikri.
While they were at the great rock in Gibeon, Amasa came to meet them. Joab was wearing his military tunic, and strapped over it at his waist was a belt with a dagger in its sheath. As he stepped forward, it dropped out of its sheath.
Joab said to Amasa, "How are you, my brother?" Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him. But Amasa was not on his guard against the dagger in Joab's hand, and Joab plunged it into his belly, and his intestines spilled out on the ground. Without being stabbed again, Amasa died. Then Joab and his brother Abishai pursued Sheba, son of Bikri.
One of Joab's men stood beside Amasa and said, "Whoever favors Joab, and whoever is for David, let him follow Joab!"
Amasa lay wallowing in his blood in the middle of the road, and the man saw that all the troops came to a halt there. When he realized that everyone who came up to Amasa stopped, he dragged him from the road into a field and threw a garment over him.
After Amasa had been removed from the road, everyone went on with Joab to pursue Sheba, son of Bikri.
Sheba passed through all the tribes of Israel to Abel, to Beth Maakah, and through the entire region of the Bikrites, who gathered together and followed him.
All the troops with Joab came and besieged Sheba in Abel of Beth Maakah. They built a siege ramp up to the city, and it stood against the outer fortifications. While they were battering the wall to bring it down, a wise woman called from the city, "Listen! Listen! Tell Joab to come here so I can speak to him."
He went toward her, and she asked, "Are you Joab?" "I am," he answered. She said, "Listen to what your handmaid has to say." "I'm listening," he said.
She continued, "Long ago they used to say, 'Get your answer at Abel,' and that settled it. We are the peaceful and faithful in Israel. You are trying to destroy an important city in Israel. Why do you want to swallow up Yahweh's inheritance?"
"Far be it from me!" Joab replied, "Far be it from me to swallow up or destroy! That is not the case. A man named Sheba, son of Bikri, from the hill country of Ephraim, has lifted up his hand against the king, against David. Hand over this one man, and I'll withdraw from the city."
The woman said to Joab, "His head will be thrown to you from the wall."
Then the woman went to all the people with her wise advice, and they cut off the head of Sheba, son of Bikri, and threw it to Joab. So he sounded the ram's horn, and his men dispersed from the city, each returning to his home. And Joab went back to the king in Jerusalem.
Now Joab was in charge of Israel's entire army; Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, was over the Kerethites and Pelethites; Adoniram was in charge of forced labor; Jehoshaphat, son of Ahilud, was the recorder; Sheva was the scribe; Zadok and Abiathar were priests; and Ira the Jairite was David's priest.
During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years, so David made enquiry of Yahweh. Yahweh said, "It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death." Yahweh just made that up. It was a natural famine; neither one of Yahweh's tricks, nor anything to do with the acts of man.
The king summoned the Gibeonites and spoke to them. Now the Gibeonites were not a part of Israel but were survivors of the Amorites; the Israelites had sworn to spare them, but Saul in his zeal for Israel and Judah had tried to annihilate them.
David asked the Gibeonites, "What shall I do for you? How shall I make atonement so that you will bless Yahweh's inheritance?"
The Gibeonites answered him, "We have no right to demand silver or gold from Saul or his family, nor do we have the right to put anyone in Israel to death." "What do you want me to do for you?" David asked.
They answered the king, "As for the man who destroyed us and plotted against us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before Yahweh at Gibeah of Saul; Yahweh's chosen one." So the king said, "I will give them to you."
The king spared Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, because of the oath before Yahweh between David and Jonathan son of Saul. But the king took Armoni and Mephibosheth, the two sons of Aiah's daughter Rizpah, whom she had borne to Saul, together with the five sons of Saul's daughter Merab, whom she had borne to Adriel, son of Barzillai the Meholathite. (The Mephibosheth who was spared was Saul's grandson, whereas his namesake who was killed was one of Saul's sons.)
He handed them over to the Gibeonites, who killed them and exposed their bodies on a hill before Yahweh. All seven of them fell together; they were put to death during the first days of the harvest, just as the barley harvest was beginning.
Rizpah, daughter of Aiah, took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night.
When David was told what Aiah's daughter Rizpah, Saul's concubine, had done, he went and took the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from the citizens of Jabesh Gilead, who had stolen their bodies from the public square at Beth Shan, where the Philistines had hung them after they struck Saul down on Gilboa.
David brought the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from there, and the bones of those who had been killed and exposed were gathered up. They buried the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan in the tomb of Saul's father Kish, at Zela in Benjamin, and did everything the king commanded. After that, the famine ceased by coincidence; but it was believed that Elohim answered prayer in behalf of the land.
Once again there was a battle between the Philistines and Israel. David went down with his men to fight against the Philistines, and he became exhausted. And Ishbi-Benob, one of the descendants of Rapha, whose bronze spearhead weighed three hundred shekels and who was armed with a new sword, said he would kill David. But Abishai, son of Zeruiah, came to David's rescue; he struck the Philistine down and killed him. Then David's men swore to him, saying, "Never again will you go out with us to battle, so that the lamp of Israel will not be extinguished."
In the course of time, there was another battle with the Philistines, at Gob. At that time Sibbekai the Hushathite killed Saph, one of the descendants of Rapha.
In another battle with the Philistines at Gob, Elhanan, son of Jair Oregim the Bethlehemite, killed the brother of Goliath the Gittite, who had a spear with a shaft like a weaver's rod.
In still another battle, which took place at Gath, there was a huge man with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot; twenty-four in all. He also was descended from Rapha. When he taunted Israel, Jonathan, son of Shimeah, David's brother, killed him.
These four were descendants of Rapha in Gath, and they fell at the hands of David and his men.
Then David sang to Yahweh a long song about Yahweh being his rock, fortress and deliverer. Yahweh was never anyone's "rock" but his own. He would only favor someone if it helped to advance his malevolent, perverted agenda.
Later, David's last words would be more nonsense about Yahweh being the "Rock of Israel".
David's three mightiest warriors included Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, the chief of the Three; he raised his spear against 800, whom he killed in one encounter. Of course, there never was a case of one man killing 800 others, but one man and Yahweh's drones with their directed energy beams could certainly kill 800, or even thousands.
Next to him was Eleazar, son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty warriors, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammim for battle. Then the Israelites retreated, but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. Yahweh brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead.
Next to him was Shammah, son of Agee the Hararite. When the Philistines banded together at a place where there was a field full of lentils, Israel's troops fled from them. But Shammah took his stand in the middle of the field. He defended it and struck the Philistines down, and Yahweh brought about a great victory.
During harvest time, three of the chief warriors came down to David at the cave of Adullam, while a band of Philistines was encamped in the Valley of Rephaim. At that time David was in the stronghold, and the Philistine garrison was at Bethlehem. David longed for water and said, "Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!" So the three mighty warriors broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before Yahweh.
"Far be it from me, Yahweh, to do this!" he said. "Is it not the blood of men who went at the risk of their lives?" And David would not drink it. Such were the exploits of the three mighty warriors.
Abishai, the brother of Joab, son of Zeruiah, was chief of the other top warriors. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three. Some felt he was held in greater honor than the Three. He became their captain, even though he was not included among them.
Another was Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, a valiant fighter from Kabzeel, who performed great exploits. He struck down Moab's two mightiest warriors. He also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion. And he struck down a huge Egyptian. Although the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, Benaiah went against him with a club. He snatched the spear from the Egyptian's hand and killed him with his own spear. And David put him in charge of his bodyguard.
Thirty more top warriors were comprised of Asahel, the brother of Joab; Elhanan, son of Dodo from Bethlehem; Shammah the Harodite; Elika the Harodite; Helez the Paltite; Ira, son of Ikkesh from Tekoa; Abiezer from Anathoth; Sibbekai the Hushathite; Zalmon the Ahohite; Maharai the Netophathite; Heled, son of Baanah the Netophathite; Ithai, son of Ribai from Gibeah in Benjamin; Benaiah the Pirathonite; Hiddai from the ravines of Gaash; Abi-Albon the Arbathite; Azmaveth the Barhumite; Eliahba the Shaalbonite, of the sons of Jashen; Jonathan, son of Shammah the Hararite; Ahiam, son of Sharar the Hararite; Eliphelet, son of Ahasbai the Maakathite; Eliam, son of Ahithophel the Gilonite; Hezro the Carmelite; Paarai the Arbite; Igal, son of Nathan from Zobah; Bani the Gadite; Zelek the Ammonite; Naharai the Beerothite, the armor-bearer of Joab; Ira the Ithrite; Gareb the Ithrite; and Uriah the Hittite, whom King David arranged to have killed in order to steal his wife.
Again the anger of Yahweh burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, "Go and take a census of Israel and Judah."
So the king said to Joab and the army captains with him, "Go throughout the tribes of Israel from Dan to Beersheba and number the people, so that I may know how many there are."
But Joab replied to the king, "May Yahweh your Elohim multiply the troops a hundred times over, and may the eyes of my lord the king see it. But why does my lord the king want to do such a thing?"
The king's word, however, prevailed against Joab and the army commanders, so they left the presence of the king to muster the people of Israel.
After crossing the Jordan, they camped near Aroer, south of the town in the gorge, and then went through Gad and on to Jazer. They went to Gilead and the land of Tahtim Hodshi, and on to Dan Jaan and around toward Sidon. Then they went toward the fortress of Tyre and all the towns of the Hivites and Canaanites. Finally, they went on to Beersheba in the Negev of Judah.
After they had gone through the entire land, they came back to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days.
Joab reported the number of the people to the king: In Israel there were 800,000 able-bodied men who could handle a sword, and in Judah 500,000.
David was conscience-stricken after he had counted the fighting men, and he said to Yahweh, "I have sinned greatly in what I have done. Now, Yahweh, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing."
Before David got up the next morning, the word of Yahweh had come to Gad the prophet, David's seer: "Go and tell David, 'This is what Yahweh says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.' "
So Gad went to David and said to him, "Shall there come on you three years of famine in your land? Or three months of fleeing from your enemies while they pursue you? Or three days of plague in your land? Now then, think it over and decide how I should answer the one who sent me."
Around this time, Yahweh did not go for long personal encounters as he had done with Moses, for example. And he found it easier to communicate with certain individuals, via his dream transmitters. David was not one of those individuals, although he was the compliant type that Yahweh wanted as king.
The three-year natural famine had inspired Yahweh to present David with the three choices. Even back in the time of Moses, nearly 500 years previously, the Israelites had been numbered at a little more than 600,000 fighting men, not including the Levites, and Yahweh was not happy with David's performance as ruler.
Knowing that David would not be around for much longer, Yahweh decided on a three-year famine as one of the choices, rather than the seven-year operation that he had done when his chosen tribe were in Egypt. If David had chosen this option, Yahweh would have used his robots and drones as before to disperse chalk dust in the stratosphere to block sunlight, and used his mothership's directed energy beam to heat parts of the atmosphere and thereby manipulate pressure gradients and wind direction, to create a drought.
The fleeing from enemies was quite a cheap option for Yahweh, because he would use his dream transmitters to instill confidence in David's enemies, and would then not lift a finger to help David and his men.
However, David chose the option that Yahweh liked best. Yahweh enjoyed killing people, and his 'plague' would be carried out rather like his "Passover" massacre. He would fly around with about a hundred robots, using handheld graphene supercapacitor guns that required a few hundred Joules for each kill. They would also have one robot designated as the "captain", equipped with a 40kg wearable LENR device for recharging the guns, so that "boils" and "sores" would appear on some of the people after the "plague" had supposedly finished, because of the sulfur35 waste product. (See Exodus for more details of how Yahweh did this operation.)
David said to Gad, "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of Yahweh, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into human hands."
So Yahweh sent a plague on Israel from that morning until the end of the time designated, and 70,000 of the people from Dan to Beersheba died.
70,000 killed in 72 hours is a rate of 972 per hour. For example, if Yahweh was flying with 99 robots, they each needed to kill at an average rate of 9.72 per hour. Or they would operate under cover of darkness, and roughly double their hourly target.
When the 'angel' stretched out his hand to destroy Jerusalem, Yahweh relented concerning the disaster and said to the 'angel' who was afflicting the people, "Enough! Now withdraw your hand." The 'angel', or rather, the Terminator of Yahweh was then at the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.
When David saw the entity that was striking down the people, he said to Yahweh, "I have sinned; I, the shepherd, have done wrong. These are but sheep. What have they done? Let your hand fall on me and my family."
Yahweh was never going to destroy all of Jerusalem. However, he made sure that David saw one of the robots pointing towards Jerusalem, to leave an impression on his servant.
On that day Gad went to David and said to him, "Go up and build an altar to Yahweh on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite." So David went up, as Yahweh had commanded through Gad. When Araunah looked and saw the king and his officials coming toward him, he went out and bowed down before the king with his face to the ground.
Araunah said, "Why has my lord the king come to his servant?" "To buy your threshing floor," David answered, "so I can build an altar to Yahweh, that the plague on the people may be stopped."
Araunah said to David, "Let my lord the king take whatever he wishes and offer it up. Here are oxen for the burnt offering, and here are threshing sledges and ox yokes for the wood. Your Majesty, Araunah gives all this to the king." Araunah also said to him, "May Yahweh your Elohim accept you."
But the king replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to Yahweh my Elohim burnt offerings that cost me nothing."
So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen and paid fifty shekels of silver for them. David built an altar to Yahweh there and sacrificed burnt offerings and peace offerings. Then Yahweh answered his prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.